A Fitted Wardrobe? That's No Problem at All.

Bit of a strange post this but I am at a loss and wonder if you can help.  Recently I rang a company who specialised in making fitted wardrobes, I spoke to Janine, a lovely lady who sounded like a cross between Caroline Aherne in The Royle Family and Jane Horrocks in, well, most things;  the phone call went like this...

Telephone Operative:   Hello, thank you for calling *COMPANY NAME*, my name is Janine, how may I help you?

Me:  Hello, I'd like to talk to you about fitted wardrobes.

Telephone Operative:  That's no problem at all, can I ask which area of the UK you're in?

Me:  I'm in North London, postcode N** ***

Telephone Operative: That's no problem at all, and when would you like a visit?

Me:  Well I'm self employed so I'm pretty flexible but if you could do a weekend that would be great.

Telephone Operative:  Let's have a look... Yes, that's no problem at all, we can get someone over to you Saturday morning, would 10am be OK?

Me: Yes, that's brilliant.   10am this Saturday, perfect, shall I give you my address?

Telephone Operative:  Well first of all can i ask if you're a single gentleman?

Me:   I'm sorry?

Telephone Operative: I just need to ask yourself if you are a single gentleman or if you have a partner at all.

Me:  What's that got to do with anything?

Telephone Operative:  Well we do ask if you are not a single gentleman and you have a partner that both you and your partner are in attendance for the quotation visit.

Me:  Well I do have a partner but it will just be me there on Saturday morning.

Telephone Operative:  That's no problem at all, is there another day both you and your partner would be available?

Me:  No, Saturday's fine, just send them on Saturday.

Telephone Operative:  But you just said your partner won't be there on Saturday.

Me:  That's right.

Telephone Operative:  OK, I'm sorry but we can't send anyone this Saturday.

Me:  Is this a joke?

Telephone Operative:  The problem is the salesperson giving you the quote won't leave a quote or anything, no plans, no written quote.

Me:  That's all right, I have a good memory.

Telephone Operative:  I'm sorry we can't send anyone if both you and your partner aren't there.

Me:  This doesn't make any sense whatsoever, what is the reason behind this?

Telephone Operative:  I've just explained why-

Me:  You haven't explained, you just said the sales person won't leave a written quote and that's fine.

Telephone Operative:  We can send someone on Saturday, that's no problem at all, but both you and your partner have to be there.

Me:  I've just had a text.  From my partner, I've been dumped.  I'm now a single gentleman; can you now please send someone to give me a quote on Saturday?

PAUSE

Me:  Hello, are you there?

Telephone Operative:  We can send someone on Saturday but both you and your partner have to attend the quotation.

Me:  OK, I was joking about being dumped.  But my partner actually works nights so will be there but asleep in another room, is that OK?

It was at this point the operator hung up on me.  I can't say I blame her.  Of course I should have lied and said, "yes, my partner will be there" but the sheer absurdity of the situation was driving me insane and I, stupidly, thought I could get to the bottom of it.  The only explanation I can come up with is it's a precursor to an old pressure selling technique where they don't want you to say "I'll talk to my wife/husband/significant other about it and let you know".  they want to seal the deal there and then and also use the old "I'll just ring my manager" then they ring their manager and say, "I can offer you an 80% discount but you have to sign a contract now before I leave and return within no less than 5 years with a bunch of trained monkeys who will make you a set of built in wardrobes which will fall apart just as the pulls away from your drive.

I called two more companies and BOTH were equally cagey and bizarre about sending someone to give a quote.  What is WRONG with these people?  I still haven't had a quote for my wardrobes and I haven't got the energy or patience to argue with more telephone operatives.  It's such a shame.  And I could swear iI was told it would all be no problem at all....

So Near So Spa

Here's the trailer to my new show, The Spa,  it's the same team who brought you Benidorm, me (writer & creator), director (Sandy Johnson), Designer (Heather Gibson), production company (Tiger Aspect); so if you like Benidorm we think you'll love The Spa!   The date is 7th Feb, put it in your diaries!

The Spa - It's A Date!

To celebrate The Spa opening for new memberships on 7th February (that's my rather annoying way of saying the comedy series begins on SKY LIVING on 7th Feb 2013) here is the interview I did for the show's press pack.  (As well as writing the show I also play Marcus, an overweight, wheelchair bound fitness instructor).   Hope you enjoy it!

Where did the idea for The Spa come from?

Sophie Clarke-Jervoise, MD of Tiger aspect, asked me if I’d like to write a new show and the brief she gave me was “a sitcom based in a health club/spa”. I thought that was a great idea as, apart from The Brittas empire, I can’t think of another show set in such a place. I believe the Brittas empire was more of a leisure centre, so maybe this is the first time a sitcom has been set in a health club? It was sophie’s intention for the lead character to be a woman,

and apart from that I had free rein to do whatever I wanted with the show.

Why is a Spa a good setting for a sitcom?

Any setting that has a turnover of characters is always good for a sitcom; a pub, cafe, holiday resort. I also think the leisure industry is a very interesting subject. In 2011, the private health club market was worth £2.7billion and about a third of that was spent by me on redundant gym fees and personal trainers that I always end up cancelling.

Have you had any funny or embarrassing Spa experiences yourself?

 As part of the research for this show I dabbled in a fair few ‘alternative therapies’. The ear candling started with a woman waving her hand over my body and saying, “Oh you don’t smoke, that’s good”. My retort of, “Do you do children’s parties?” was greeted with a look of violence. I should have known better than to meddle with a person who was about to shove a flaming torch into the side of my head. I also had colonic hydrotherapy, not from the same woman but someone equally bizarre. I thought her opening gambit of, “Do let me know if you feel any discomfort” was bordering on the superfluous considering the next thing she did was shove a hose pipe up my arse and pump a gallon of water into my

colon. My protest of, “I’m sorry you’re going to have to stop this, it’s the most upsetting feeling I’ve had since the death of my cairn terrier” was answered with (in what I assume was her best calming voice), “No, you’re wrong, it’s actually an incredibly soothing feeling.” In

a moment of genuine bewilderment I asked, “We are still talking about the hose pipe shoved up my arse aren’t we?”

Has the show been influenced by any sitcom in the past, for instance The Brittas Empire?

Bizarrely, I’ve never seen an episode of The Brittas empire, quite an astonishing feat considering I think it ran for about 10 years. I know it had a woman who kept a baby in a cupboard but apart from that I don’t know anything about it, which I think was probably a good thing. Oh, and it had chris Barrie in it who does the best kenneth Williams impression ever.

What role do you find more satisfying - acting or writing/creating?

 I love creating characters through writing but I’d almost forgotten what it was like to then take one of those characters and continue the process through acting. I am an actor first, then a writer, it’s just that my writing career (which I never planned) kind of overtook the acting. although I’ve done the odd scene in Benidorm, just for fun, I haven’t really acted since The catherine Tate show, which now seems like a lifetime ago.

What's it been like seeing your project come to life?

 It’s been incredible. I knew we had a great team - the same director, designer, make-up department, exec producers etc as Benidorm - but to walk into The spa on the first day of filming was amazing. Our designer heather Gibson turned an empty building on a north London business park into a health club with such remarkable effect we had people coming over from neighbouring buildings asking if they could join.

What is your character like?

Marcus is very much like me only even fatter and a bit shorter.

Can you tell us a bit about Marcus's relationship with Alison (Rebecca Front's character) and the other cast?

Marcus had an accident at work, which has meant he has to use crutches for at least six months - after trying crutches, he found out it was much easier

for him to get around in a wheelchair. he shouldn’t really still be working at The spa, but somehow he’s managed to keep his job as a personal fitness trainer. he’s also gained a lot of weight since the accident, which he blames entirely on his employers. he’s knows he’s on borrowed time at the gym so as a consequence he’s quite defensive, especially with alison.

Is Marcus based on anyone?

I would say no but I’ve said that about other characters I’ve created and then about a year later it suddenly dawns on me who they are. I think it was the beginning of series three of Benidorm I realised The Oracle was a man I used to talk to (try to avoid) in the swimming pool of an egyptian hotel about 15 years ago.

Have you ever worked with any of the cast before?

 Yes, Tim Healy is also in Benidorm. I wrote the part of eric for him, although I’m sure he thought I was taking the piss as there was a gap of well over a year between me writing the show and it being made as I had to do a series of Benidorm in between.  I also wrote the part of Sally for Niky Wardley who I have worked with on The Catherine Tate Show and Benidorm.  Niky is an amazing actress and brilliant at comedy;  some of her lines don't really come across that well on paper but Niky as a very good friend for many years and I knew she'd 'get it' instantly, and she did!

What have been the highlights of working on this project? 

Watching rebecca Front running along the floor on her knees while wearing an infrared sauna. and yes, it is as bizarre (and hopefully as hilarious) as it sounds. I must say, I was absolutely gobsmacked when rebecca agreed to play the role, mainly because this isn’t

really the type of comedy we associate with her. In the wrong hands this part could be disastrous; if an actress played alison as a sitcom character we’d be lost. Bizarre and outrageous things happen in the show but rebecca completely grounds it in reality.

I don’t really get nervous acting for television (in front of a live audience is a different matter) but I was nervous for my first scene with rebecca; I’ve admired her for so many years. I’m not really an excitable person, I’m quite a gloomy pessimist who finds it hard to enjoy my success (a bit of sick just came into my mouth at having to just say the word ‘success’), but

I can certainly say I had ‘a moment’ during my first scene with rebecca, not a whooping, punching the air moment but just a quiet smile to myself and the thought, “Wow, it really doesn’t get much better than this”.

For more interviews and info on The Spa click here!

Back To Blog.

Well, at this rate my blog will be updated roughly 7 times per decade.  Not exactly prolific.  But, I do have some kind of excuse.  My website was languishing in some strange part of cyber space but with a little help from my IT dept it seems we're back on track.

So what's happened since my last post?  Well, sadly, Charlie, my beautiful dog died about 3 months after that blog entry; terribly upsetting and I miss her dreadfully. I've spoken to people about the possibility of getting another dog, it's over a year since Charlie died, but I don't think it's fair as I go away to Spain in March. Maybe when I get back from Spain but I can't help thinking it will be weird having a dog in the house who isn't Charlie...

In other news, Benidorm has been re-commissioned for a 6th series and I have another comedy starting in February on SKY LIVING. It's called The Spa and it also marks my return to acting! It's so weird to not have acted for so long. I've certainly missed it and hope it leads to other things. People seem to forget I made a decent living from being an actor for 10 years before I starting writing and I only did that because my friend asked me to. But that story you know, already...

So, the blog is back! I think there's a way to sign up for this so you don't have to keep checking back; I'll figure it out at some point. But in the meantime, do check back soon and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

DL

Charlie Blog

I had some bad news today and curiously it made me think about how I use twitter.  Don’t get me wrong, when I got the news my first reaction wasn’t to rush to my iPhone and tweet but now, after I’ve told my closest friends and considered the ramifications of what I’d been told I didn’t know if it was right to tweet it.  But I’ve got a problem, I’ve already tweeted about this subject at some length and I think I have some obligation (albeit tenuous) to my twitter followers.

So as I said, I’m now thinking why do I tweet?  Why do I tweet personal thoughts and feelings?  Why am I on Twitter?

I suppose most of the time I tweet I’m hoping to make people laugh.  I’ve been doing that all my life and the fact that I now make a living from that is incidental.  If I wasn’t joking around on twitter I’d be doing it in my day to day life to anyone who was kind or stupid enough to listen.  Once a show off always a show off.  At least showing off  on twitter is probably the safest place of all, you can’t see people rolling their eyes and walking away shaking their heads in silence.  So now we come to the other point, why tweet personal matters?  This is a bit more tricky.  I’ve thought long and hard the answer I’ve come up with is I basically lead quite a solitary life.  I live in a family sized house but I live in it alone.  I probably seem to have quite a busy social life but of course you only remember the ludicrous drunken nights out and showbiz parties I tweet from; not the days and weeks between.  Now I don’t want you to go feeling sorry for me, a solitary life is by no means a lonely one.  But sometimes, when I’m homo alono, it’s nice to share something and to remember there are others out there to laugh, sympathise or merely acknowledge.

Don’t get me wrong, for me (and most of you I’d guess), Twitter can also be unfathomably annoying too.  Inane questions repeated again and again, people wanting to have a ping pong conversation 2 words per tweet, people being over familiar and then, very occasionally, hurtful and rude.  But on the whole twitter is a good place to be, for maybe a few mins, maybe a couple of hours, maybe drunk, hopefully sober.  Of course not everyone’s twitter experience is the same.  If you follow 398 people and have 5 people following you it’s going to be a different experience from someone who follows 398 people but has 5,000 people following them.   I occasionally have people say, “why do you always ignore me?”, hopefully the answer to this is obvious, either it’s completely unintentional or you’re a complete tit.  On the other hands I’ve tweeted people I’ve either worked with once or know ‘to say hello to’ but my tweet gets lost in their 150,000 followers and I end up feeling ignored too.  Either way if you’re getting no return on your twitter investment the options are there for you, leave twitter aside for a while, unfollow, block, delete your twitter account (yes I’ve done all of those!), twitter is only as crap and as good as you make it.   Gosh, the more I think about it Twitter is bloody fantastic, it’s the way people use it that is usually the problem.

Anyway, I’m wandering away from the point of all this.  Today I had some very bad news.  News I kind of knew was coming but I tried to ignore it, hoping it would go away.  Today I was told my dog, my cute, beautiful, intelligent, cheeky, smiley (yes, she can smile), gorgeous, brilliant, clever, loving and faithful companion, my Charlie, has an inoperable brain tumour.

I’ve had her for over 12 years and we’ve been through so much together, so many amazing journeys, unemployment, failed relationships, TV shows, fame (sort of), fortune (kind of) and everything in between.  And now she’s lying next to me looking and sounding so very, very ill.  Last weekend she had 5 seizures in 24hrs, they were more like strokes and with each one she looked a little worse.  Then she bounced back Sunday night, looked a little happier, she licked my face and smiled.  But it was the drugs helping her through and as they wore off, and she looked even worse, I knew she wasn’t going to get any better.  The place we went to today for her MRI scan was amazing.  Deep in the Hertfordshire countryside it was a hospital, not a big vet’s surgery, a full sized hospital with 6 surgeons, 11 consulting rooms, 6 wards, 50 nurses and anything up to 90 furry patients at any one time.  To see so many animals coming and going, all being cared for in such beautiful, rolling countryside was a wonderful experience.  But as nice as it was, Charlie won’t be going back because they can’t make her better.  She may be with us for a few more months, more likely a few more weeks.  The drug she is on is actually a human drug, not intended for use on animals but it’s the best thing for her, apparently.  All I know, as my baby lies next to me, blind in one eye, breathing heavily, sometimes crying, occasionally trying to get up but falling down again; we’re coming to the end of our journey together.  And it’s been beautiful.

If you’ve never had a pet you probably won’t understand, if you have, I don’t need to explain.

Thank you to all of my Twitter followers who have sent messages, I mean Tweets, of love and support.  I don’t want to turn my Twitter feed into a blow by blow account of the last days of my little girl but I do want to show my appreciation for all the love.

Derren (and Charlie)  xxx

Series 5, Jackie and Joan…

Well, what with all the kerfuffle in the press about series 5, Jackie and Joan Collins, I thought I should probably write a little blog to keep you up to date.  So, basically, yes, I said series 4 would be “the end of my Benidorm journey” (how camp??!) but that was well before the end of series 4 transmission (in fact it may have been at the beginning, I can’t remember).  I thought we had made a very good show but I genuinely thought fans would watch and think, “that’s a nice end to the Benidorm series”.  In fact I’m being modest, I thought I had written the best series yet and that, for me, was a reason to stop; to go out on a high.  I had no idea the public reaction would be so incredible and it became clear to me by the transmission of episode 5 that viewers wanted more.  So it was a combination of two things, ITV & Tiger Aspect were extremely keen on me being involved in a 5th series and  I just couldn’t say goodbye to these bizarre characters I created.

A lot of press have reported that the only reason I came back to be involved in another series of Benidorm was because of the possible involvement of Joan Collins.  After receiving a tweet from Jackie Collins suggesting her sister Joan Collins should be in the show I did reply saying “Joan Collins in Benidorm??!! I ain’t gonna let anyone else write that. Looks like I’m coming back”.  Why did I write that when I had already agreed my contract weeks before?  Well, apart from being giddy as a kipper (as my Nana used to say) that Jackie Collins tweeted me saying she & her sister love the show, I also knew it would be a funny & camp way of announcing my return.  As many of you know, I don’t court publicity for myself as an individual particularly (I do the odd radio interview for friends but have never accepted requests for TV interviews and I’ve only ever done one newspaper interview in 4 series of Benidorm – and that was never published) but writing tv shows is now the main bulk of my living so I do need to promote my business. Also, it goes without saying that Jackie’s new book just happens to be out this week, now that lady IS a publicity genius!

Has Joan Collins signed a contract to appear in Benidorm?  Of course not.  The scripts aren’t even written yet.  Would we like her to be in it?  Definitely! What many people tend to forget is Joan is a brilliant comedy actress.  But filming is a long way off and who knows what will happen between now and then.

As for me, I’m overjoyed to be back making up crazy stories for the Garveys et al.  I won’t write every episode this series but I’ll be there throughout the series to lend a hand, assisting our brilliant team including new writers, directors and my producer Ben Cavey and Exec Producer Sophie Clarke-Jervoise.  I reckon we’ll make Benidorm for as long as the fans of the show continue to love it.  The great thing is we are critic-proof, I’m told we have never had a good review in the press but I think it’s logical to take notice of 6 million viewers of the show rather than one lonely, embittered hack who is furious about their own failed career.

The people have spoken!  We are coming back! You should have known, what have I always said?… “this is just adios and not goodbye”.

P.S.

Thanks for all your messages of support via twitter what with a 5th series of Benidorm, a book and a new tv comedy I have a lot to get on with but I try to reply to as many messages as I can.

Competition time!

To celebrate the 4th series of Benidorm I have put together a great compeition which will see one lucky winner bag a whole host of Benidorm goodies.  A signed DVD Box Set, a signed script (very rare!), a series 4 cast photo and an EXCLUSIVE Benidorm cast & crew baseball cap (not available anywhere – unless you know know a member of the cast and crew and can wrestle it from them!)

The question for the competition is at the end of this blog, along with the email address to send your entry.  The winner will be drawn on the evening of episode 1, Friday 25th Feb, 2011.  Please, only one entry per person.

I’m really looking forward to series 4 although it is with mixed emotions because, for me, it is the end of my Benidorm journey.  I can’t begin to tell you what this show means to me, it has changed my life in so many ways.  Not least the amazing friends I have made along the way.  I won’t be writing any more episodes of Benidorm, for me the story of the Garveys and all of the other characters I created ends at episode 6 of series 4.

This is not to say the show won’t continue without me, that’s in the hands of ITV and Tiger Asepct.  Two companies I have loved working with and hopefully will again in the future on other projects.

The recent winning of The National Television Award for Most Popular Comedy was incredible; thank you so much for all of you who voted.  But all good things must come to an end and as hard as it is for me to say goodbye to these characters, who are all so close to my heart, the time is right.

COMPETITION

In series 3 Noreen serenaded her son, The Oracle, with a karaoke tune to celebrate his “coming out”.  That song was Y.M.C.A.  But what was the song Geoff sang on the karaoke in the same episode?  We need you to give us the name of the song and the original artist.

Please email your entry to    benidormtweets “at” yahoo.com

Please replace the “at” with the approriate character.

MAKE SURE THE SUBJECT IN YOUR EMAIL IS:  SERIES 4   or it will not go into the hat.

GOOD LUCK!

Derren x