A Fitted Wardrobe? That's No Problem at All.

Bit of a strange post this but I am at a loss and wonder if you can help.  Recently I rang a company who specialised in making fitted wardrobes, I spoke to Janine, a lovely lady who sounded like a cross between Caroline Aherne in The Royle Family and Jane Horrocks in, well, most things;  the phone call went like this...

Telephone Operative:   Hello, thank you for calling *COMPANY NAME*, my name is Janine, how may I help you?

Me:  Hello, I'd like to talk to you about fitted wardrobes.

Telephone Operative:  That's no problem at all, can I ask which area of the UK you're in?

Me:  I'm in North London, postcode N** ***

Telephone Operative: That's no problem at all, and when would you like a visit?

Me:  Well I'm self employed so I'm pretty flexible but if you could do a weekend that would be great.

Telephone Operative:  Let's have a look... Yes, that's no problem at all, we can get someone over to you Saturday morning, would 10am be OK?

Me: Yes, that's brilliant.   10am this Saturday, perfect, shall I give you my address?

Telephone Operative:  Well first of all can i ask if you're a single gentleman?

Me:   I'm sorry?

Telephone Operative: I just need to ask yourself if you are a single gentleman or if you have a partner at all.

Me:  What's that got to do with anything?

Telephone Operative:  Well we do ask if you are not a single gentleman and you have a partner that both you and your partner are in attendance for the quotation visit.

Me:  Well I do have a partner but it will just be me there on Saturday morning.

Telephone Operative:  That's no problem at all, is there another day both you and your partner would be available?

Me:  No, Saturday's fine, just send them on Saturday.

Telephone Operative:  But you just said your partner won't be there on Saturday.

Me:  That's right.

Telephone Operative:  OK, I'm sorry but we can't send anyone this Saturday.

Me:  Is this a joke?

Telephone Operative:  The problem is the salesperson giving you the quote won't leave a quote or anything, no plans, no written quote.

Me:  That's all right, I have a good memory.

Telephone Operative:  I'm sorry we can't send anyone if both you and your partner aren't there.

Me:  This doesn't make any sense whatsoever, what is the reason behind this?

Telephone Operative:  I've just explained why-

Me:  You haven't explained, you just said the sales person won't leave a written quote and that's fine.

Telephone Operative:  We can send someone on Saturday, that's no problem at all, but both you and your partner have to be there.

Me:  I've just had a text.  From my partner, I've been dumped.  I'm now a single gentleman; can you now please send someone to give me a quote on Saturday?

PAUSE

Me:  Hello, are you there?

Telephone Operative:  We can send someone on Saturday but both you and your partner have to attend the quotation.

Me:  OK, I was joking about being dumped.  But my partner actually works nights so will be there but asleep in another room, is that OK?

It was at this point the operator hung up on me.  I can't say I blame her.  Of course I should have lied and said, "yes, my partner will be there" but the sheer absurdity of the situation was driving me insane and I, stupidly, thought I could get to the bottom of it.  The only explanation I can come up with is it's a precursor to an old pressure selling technique where they don't want you to say "I'll talk to my wife/husband/significant other about it and let you know".  they want to seal the deal there and then and also use the old "I'll just ring my manager" then they ring their manager and say, "I can offer you an 80% discount but you have to sign a contract now before I leave and return within no less than 5 years with a bunch of trained monkeys who will make you a set of built in wardrobes which will fall apart just as the pulls away from your drive.

I called two more companies and BOTH were equally cagey and bizarre about sending someone to give a quote.  What is WRONG with these people?  I still haven't had a quote for my wardrobes and I haven't got the energy or patience to argue with more telephone operatives.  It's such a shame.  And I could swear iI was told it would all be no problem at all....

So Near So Spa

Here's the trailer to my new show, The Spa,  it's the same team who brought you Benidorm, me (writer & creator), director (Sandy Johnson), Designer (Heather Gibson), production company (Tiger Aspect); so if you like Benidorm we think you'll love The Spa!   The date is 7th Feb, put it in your diaries!

The Spa - It's A Date!

To celebrate The Spa opening for new memberships on 7th February (that's my rather annoying way of saying the comedy series begins on SKY LIVING on 7th Feb 2013) here is the interview I did for the show's press pack.  (As well as writing the show I also play Marcus, an overweight, wheelchair bound fitness instructor).   Hope you enjoy it!

Where did the idea for The Spa come from?

Sophie Clarke-Jervoise, MD of Tiger aspect, asked me if I’d like to write a new show and the brief she gave me was “a sitcom based in a health club/spa”. I thought that was a great idea as, apart from The Brittas empire, I can’t think of another show set in such a place. I believe the Brittas empire was more of a leisure centre, so maybe this is the first time a sitcom has been set in a health club? It was sophie’s intention for the lead character to be a woman,

and apart from that I had free rein to do whatever I wanted with the show.

Why is a Spa a good setting for a sitcom?

Any setting that has a turnover of characters is always good for a sitcom; a pub, cafe, holiday resort. I also think the leisure industry is a very interesting subject. In 2011, the private health club market was worth £2.7billion and about a third of that was spent by me on redundant gym fees and personal trainers that I always end up cancelling.

Have you had any funny or embarrassing Spa experiences yourself?

 As part of the research for this show I dabbled in a fair few ‘alternative therapies’. The ear candling started with a woman waving her hand over my body and saying, “Oh you don’t smoke, that’s good”. My retort of, “Do you do children’s parties?” was greeted with a look of violence. I should have known better than to meddle with a person who was about to shove a flaming torch into the side of my head. I also had colonic hydrotherapy, not from the same woman but someone equally bizarre. I thought her opening gambit of, “Do let me know if you feel any discomfort” was bordering on the superfluous considering the next thing she did was shove a hose pipe up my arse and pump a gallon of water into my

colon. My protest of, “I’m sorry you’re going to have to stop this, it’s the most upsetting feeling I’ve had since the death of my cairn terrier” was answered with (in what I assume was her best calming voice), “No, you’re wrong, it’s actually an incredibly soothing feeling.” In

a moment of genuine bewilderment I asked, “We are still talking about the hose pipe shoved up my arse aren’t we?”

Has the show been influenced by any sitcom in the past, for instance The Brittas Empire?

Bizarrely, I’ve never seen an episode of The Brittas empire, quite an astonishing feat considering I think it ran for about 10 years. I know it had a woman who kept a baby in a cupboard but apart from that I don’t know anything about it, which I think was probably a good thing. Oh, and it had chris Barrie in it who does the best kenneth Williams impression ever.

What role do you find more satisfying - acting or writing/creating?

 I love creating characters through writing but I’d almost forgotten what it was like to then take one of those characters and continue the process through acting. I am an actor first, then a writer, it’s just that my writing career (which I never planned) kind of overtook the acting. although I’ve done the odd scene in Benidorm, just for fun, I haven’t really acted since The catherine Tate show, which now seems like a lifetime ago.

What's it been like seeing your project come to life?

 It’s been incredible. I knew we had a great team - the same director, designer, make-up department, exec producers etc as Benidorm - but to walk into The spa on the first day of filming was amazing. Our designer heather Gibson turned an empty building on a north London business park into a health club with such remarkable effect we had people coming over from neighbouring buildings asking if they could join.

What is your character like?

Marcus is very much like me only even fatter and a bit shorter.

Can you tell us a bit about Marcus's relationship with Alison (Rebecca Front's character) and the other cast?

Marcus had an accident at work, which has meant he has to use crutches for at least six months - after trying crutches, he found out it was much easier

for him to get around in a wheelchair. he shouldn’t really still be working at The spa, but somehow he’s managed to keep his job as a personal fitness trainer. he’s also gained a lot of weight since the accident, which he blames entirely on his employers. he’s knows he’s on borrowed time at the gym so as a consequence he’s quite defensive, especially with alison.

Is Marcus based on anyone?

I would say no but I’ve said that about other characters I’ve created and then about a year later it suddenly dawns on me who they are. I think it was the beginning of series three of Benidorm I realised The Oracle was a man I used to talk to (try to avoid) in the swimming pool of an egyptian hotel about 15 years ago.

Have you ever worked with any of the cast before?

 Yes, Tim Healy is also in Benidorm. I wrote the part of eric for him, although I’m sure he thought I was taking the piss as there was a gap of well over a year between me writing the show and it being made as I had to do a series of Benidorm in between.  I also wrote the part of Sally for Niky Wardley who I have worked with on The Catherine Tate Show and Benidorm.  Niky is an amazing actress and brilliant at comedy;  some of her lines don't really come across that well on paper but Niky as a very good friend for many years and I knew she'd 'get it' instantly, and she did!

What have been the highlights of working on this project? 

Watching rebecca Front running along the floor on her knees while wearing an infrared sauna. and yes, it is as bizarre (and hopefully as hilarious) as it sounds. I must say, I was absolutely gobsmacked when rebecca agreed to play the role, mainly because this isn’t

really the type of comedy we associate with her. In the wrong hands this part could be disastrous; if an actress played alison as a sitcom character we’d be lost. Bizarre and outrageous things happen in the show but rebecca completely grounds it in reality.

I don’t really get nervous acting for television (in front of a live audience is a different matter) but I was nervous for my first scene with rebecca; I’ve admired her for so many years. I’m not really an excitable person, I’m quite a gloomy pessimist who finds it hard to enjoy my success (a bit of sick just came into my mouth at having to just say the word ‘success’), but

I can certainly say I had ‘a moment’ during my first scene with rebecca, not a whooping, punching the air moment but just a quiet smile to myself and the thought, “Wow, it really doesn’t get much better than this”.

For more interviews and info on The Spa click here!

Back To Blog.

Well, at this rate my blog will be updated roughly 7 times per decade.  Not exactly prolific.  But, I do have some kind of excuse.  My website was languishing in some strange part of cyber space but with a little help from my IT dept it seems we're back on track.

So what's happened since my last post?  Well, sadly, Charlie, my beautiful dog died about 3 months after that blog entry; terribly upsetting and I miss her dreadfully. I've spoken to people about the possibility of getting another dog, it's over a year since Charlie died, but I don't think it's fair as I go away to Spain in March. Maybe when I get back from Spain but I can't help thinking it will be weird having a dog in the house who isn't Charlie...

In other news, Benidorm has been re-commissioned for a 6th series and I have another comedy starting in February on SKY LIVING. It's called The Spa and it also marks my return to acting! It's so weird to not have acted for so long. I've certainly missed it and hope it leads to other things. People seem to forget I made a decent living from being an actor for 10 years before I starting writing and I only did that because my friend asked me to. But that story you know, already...

So, the blog is back! I think there's a way to sign up for this so you don't have to keep checking back; I'll figure it out at some point. But in the meantime, do check back soon and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

DL