Nose ring girl: Have your circumstances
changed?
Me: What circumstances? No they haven't.
Nose ring girl: OK. What's your enquiry?
Me: I don't have an enquiry, I want
to talk to someone about my mortgage application.
Nose ring girl: OK. I've got a number
I can ring if your circumstances have changed.
Me: OK. Yes, my circumstances have changed.
Nose ring girl: One second.
SHE RINGS THE NUMBER
Nose ring girl: It's engaged.
Me: I'd like to make an appointment
with the branch manager please.
Nose ring girl: OK, is it a complaint?
Me: No, not at all, I'd just like to
make an appointment with the branch manager.
Nose ring girl: Is your account held
at this branch?
Me: I've been told that it doesn't matter
where my account is held, this is my local
branch, is that OK?
Nose ring girl: Yeah dats fine. Can
I ask what your enquiry is about?
Me: I'd just like to meet him or her.
Nose ring girl: Right, you haven't got
a specific enquiry?
Me: No, I just want to meet my local
branch manager. In an office, not behind a 4ft padded
screen with half of North London listening on the other
side.
Nose ring girl: I need to know what
your enquiry is about. [REFERRING TO THE DROP DOWN MENU
ON HER MONITOR] I can't just leave it blank.
Me: OK, just put mortgage advice.
Nose ring girl: [ANOTHER DROP DOWN MENU
OPENS ON HER MONITOR] has there been a change in your
circumstances?
Oh for fucks sake, why didn't she just
say, "computer says no" and cough in my face?????
Me: OK, I tell you what, I'm going to
have to leave it now as I'm late for next appointment;
I'll give you a ring when I get home later today.
Of course I didn't "smash the gaff
up" as I suggested I might but I did pull one of
the pens out of it's holders as I walked out and threw
it towards the floor letting it dangle violently on
it's metal chain, I think they got the message.
