Derren Litten

Last night Jindy and I went to see Westlife in concert…yes, yes, I know, I'm 36; please don't make me explain my actions - I also enjoy the music of Barry Manilow; nuff said. Anyway, Blenheim Palace was the venue and as we drove through the gates and up the long drive way we were directed past the house, oops, sorry, Palace, and far into the grounds, so far past the beautiful house and lake that the whole point of it being at Blenheim palace was totally lost; it may well have taken place in a field somewhere off the M62. Before I get to the show let me describe the audience to you. First of all here was a group of people who were no strangers to a turkey twizzler. I can't exactly claim to be a health freak myself but these people looked at though they had seen daylight for the first time in months, maybe they had. Wasn't there once a film called "The People Who Lived Under The Stairs"? I never saw the film but on Friday night I think I watched a pop concert with most of the cast. Missing teeth, faded and smuged blue tattoos off centre on massive, wobbling corned beef forearms, creases in the backs of their fat necks, chewing gum white catalogue sportswear and gallons of cheap aftershave … and the men looked even worse. The kids were terrifying, I mean actually terrifying. They were either ginger and so thin you could read a newspaper through them or they were so fat they were being wheeled in on trollies. One young girl (I say "young", she was either 12 or 46, it was very hard to tell) was decked out entirely in homemade Westlife apparel; Westlife t-shirt, Westlife Trousers, Westlife scarf and Westlife hat. On her right hand she had a huge, red, sponge hand (the type you see at big football matches) on it, in big white letters, it read, "WESTLIFE - YOU RAISE ME UP" - Fuck me, they'd need a mechanical digger. Anyway, unfortunately the show itself wasn't half as entertaining. Before the show started you could see a couple of the Westlife boys ambling around taking their positions behind parts of the (very bare) stage set; now I know we had only gone to see a boyband but would you really expect to see Prince or Paul McCartney mooching around before the start of the show, sort of takes the whole theatricality out of the event or maybe I'm just a sucker for a big entrance (insert your own joke here). So the show starts and all is well, the girls in the audience are either screaming or rattling the loose parts of their wheelchairs and it's all making for a fun atmosphere; never heard of the first song but what does it matter, it's all just a bit of fun, right? So now the next song and it is blatantly obvious that Shane (yes, I know one of their names; kill me) is miming. Now why on earth is that? He'd already sung one live. I was on the bill of a charity show with Westlife at The Albert Hall last year (I was doing a 'Lauren' (Am I Bovvered) sketch with Catherine T and Nikki Wardley) and they mimed all three of their songs (I also watched their rehearsal in the afternoon and had no idea they were miming until a technician turned to me and said the words "full mime" and raised his eyebrows). It was very difficult to tell they were all miming in The Albert Hall but when it's in a field and it's only one of them and the other three are singing it was tres obvious. So after the the next song the boys walk off for a costume change to the sound of applause; then silence. No music, nothing playing on the video screens, nothing. Two or three mins of this then they were back wearing different jackets. Other highlights included someone from the audience passing one group member (dont know his name, spikey blonde hair and implausibly white teeth) burger and chips which he proceeded to eat on stage and offer around to his bored looking cohorts, the same guy forgetting the words to one of the songs (and the others pissing themselves laughing) and the gay one (you see, I'm up to speed with it all) looking so embarrassed to be there I wondered what sort of terrible news he'd received before the show (probably that it hadn't been cancelled). More mimed songs and long silent costume changes then we decided to leave about half way through, partly because it was rubbish and partly because I'm 36 and shouldn't have gone in the first place. It's a shame because I certainly didn't go there expecting or wanting it to be rubbish, I love a bit of tacky pop music and thought it was going to be a fun, trashy night out. Next time I feel like an evening of trash I'll know better and have a night in with a bottle of Blue Nun and my Best of Kelly Marie CD. (Yes, I really do have one).