First day of rehearsals today, very bright and hot sun just like yesterday.  I spent most of the day running around asking if people had sun block on; (not holiday makers you understand, the cast; for continuity purposes later on).  The town of Benidorm isn’t most actor’s dream holiday destination but they all seem to be enjoying the sun, lounging on sun beds chatting, reading newspapers or learning lines in between rehearsing.  It’s very odd to see people I’ve admired hugely for years,  Steve Pemberton, Siobhan Finneran, Johnny Vegas, Kenny Ireland, Janine Duvitski and more all in Benidorm, all rehearsing a show that came out of my head.

Cast read through today, we all assembled in a conference room at the hotel were some of the actors are staying.  It was quite bizarre to see all these amazing actors out in Spain… it’s really happened, ITV are really making the show I’ve written… it was quite a surreal moment.  As I sat down I suddenly thought to myself, what if nobody laughs?  It’s meant to be a comedy… but what if nobody laughs?  Maybe they won’t laugh through nerves, maybe they won’t laugh because it’s not that funny, actually I don’t care about the reason, it’s supposed to be a comedy but what if nobody fucking laughs??!!!  Everyone settled down and there were short welcome speeches from producer Geoffrey Perkins and head of ITV comedy Paul Jackson.  I felt sick and daren’t look up… oh my god, what if I laugh??  I can’t laugh at something I’ve bloody written (especially if no fucker else does); even though I’ve written a show that makes me laugh (why else would I bother) I can’t be seen to be laughing at it in public…  All these mad thoughts ran through my mind as we started the read.  We read all six episodes with a few breaks for coffee and cakes out on the terrace in the blazing Spanish sun.  The cast laughed, people from ITV laughed, the director laughed, the producer laughed and yes, sadly enough, I laughed.  Although the joy of laughing at the way the lines were delivered by our brilliant cast rather than the lines themselves kind of made it OK (in my mind anyway).

It rained today!  Jesus Christ, don’t they know we’re here to make a show about people holidaying in the sun?!  OK, it wasn’t much rain but enough to send people hurrying indoors for half an hour or so.  Bloody hell, the cast arrive today, what must they think they’ve let themselves in for?!

Moved into the apartment today, it’s quite lovely and has a huge amount of space.  Far too big for one person but then I’ve got several people coming out to visit me at various times while I’m here (thank God).  The massive balcony has a great view of the sea and lots of people taking their cute little dogs for walks.  Tiny lap dogs seem to be standard issue here which is a bit difficult as I’m missing our dog Charlie a lot.  Got very angry when I couldn’t find my electric shaver even though I knew I’d plugged it in the bathroom.  Ragged everything out of my suitcase and my ruck sack but couldn’t find it anywhere; was well pissed off as I’d only just bought it last week at Gatwick.  Later on I found it whenI realised there are two bathrooms in this apartment.  Oh, the extravagance…

In the bar of the hotel tonight there was an act which consisted of a man balancing on catering size tins of baked beans; I kid you not.  The fairly impressive part of the routine was that the greasy rug on his head which passed for a wig never moved an inch, no matter how many tins of beans he balanced on.  His assistant was actually very good, enthusiastically punctuating each applause cue in a manner which would not have looked out of place in a Las Vegas illusion show.  Unfortunately our man wobbling on the tins would not have looked out of place in a lunatic asylum.

Only a couple of nights remaining in this hotel, next week I’ll be in the apartment.  Apparently the apartments are about a 20 min drive away from the madness that is Benidorm… now, will that be a relief or will I go stir crazy?  Watch this space.

Went to the production office for the first time today; cocking hell!  It’s unbelievable!  Very modern (and pink!) building with a beautiful palm tree in the foyer!  Wireless internet, kitchen, meeting rooms etc… all mod cons!  If my apartment I’m moving into next week is half as nice as this I’ll be a happy bunny.  Went to see Chrissy Rock tonight at Morgan’s Tavern; very funny Liverpool comedian, what your mother or gran would describe as “very blue”.  I didn’t realise but she was in the Ken Loach film ‘Ladybird Ladybird’, she was also in ‘Clocking Off’ and other stuff like that.  Spoke to her afterwards, she was telling me about herself; she has the most amazing life story; apparently she’s started writing an autobiography, must ask if I can read it so far.  Morgan’s Tavern is where we will be filming the interior of “Neptune’s”, the cabaret/karaoke bar in the show.  Still haven’t had time to check out the gym but have been very careful about what I eat; mainly swordfish and salad.  Apparently it’s not air conditioned (the gym) so is extremely hot; may have to find an alternative.

Spent the day looking at the locations today.  Our two main locations are the pool area (with swim up bar etc) and the exteriors and interiors of the apartments.  Everything looks great but it’s been a long day so going to get some sleep.  We’re going out tomorrow night to see Chrissy Rock, a comedian (or should that be ‘comedienne’?) who is playing a character in the show; Kevin, our director,  did some of the casting in Benidorm and she’s one of them that he hired.  Was a bit cloudy this morning but brilliant sunshine in the afternoon; I’m already getting a tan.

BENIDORM – Well we’re finally here in sunny Benidorm, my home for the next two months.  Staying in a slightly scuzzy hotel for this week then as from next week I’m in a brand new 2 bedroom apartment which is a ten minute drive out of the town centre.  I think this week (for me) is mainly going to be taken up with looking at locations and making adjustments to all six episodes; next week is our rehearsal week when our cast arrives and the real work begins.  I say the real work begins, obviously we have a full production team that have been here for weeks doing an amazing job, I can’t believe all these people are running around organising this multi million pound TV series that all started with an idea that came out of my head; it’s a lot to take in.  Just been out for a meal with various people from our team, producer, designer, director, 1st A.D, art director, props master, director of photography, line producer, sound recordist….etc, etc.. and that’s not even an eighth of the people it takes to make a TV show!  Right, better get to sleep, there’s a lot to get through tomorrow and I want to get up in time to check out the local gym, if Paul my trainer is reading this I’m going to keep up the good work you started with me mate!  And so to bed….

A weekend of celebrations (as well as work) as the one thing I didn't mention in the blog on Friday was that in the morning we exchanged on our house purchase! Four months of to-ing and fro-ing, some sleepless nights and much expense later Jindy and I have bought our first house together! i say our first house, after that experience I don't think we'll be in too much of a rush to do it all over again. Thankfully the people whose house we are buying are lovely and we spent a great evening with them tonight in their (soon to be our!) beautiful home; we celebrated by eating yummy food and sipping ice cold champagne...not a word to the personal trainer!

A few weeks ago I had my medical for my new show "Benidorm" and the Harley Street doctor gave me a clean bill of health. Well, nearly... he said both my ears had a lot of wax in them and needed syringing (how lovely) but after a little research I decided to go the slightly more holistic route and have "candling" instead. I didn't tell the Harley Street GP this as my last run in with him (for my medical for The CT Show) didn't exactly see us getting on like a house on fire...
 

GP: Well that's your medical; do you want me to examine your testicles as well?

Me: Erm.... I.. I think I'm probably all right actually.

GP: You may as well, it's free.

Me: Riiiight. Erm... Do you think it's necessary?

GP: When did you last have your testicles examined?

At this point I was desperate to ask how he would define the word "examined" but I managed to hold my tongue.

Me: Eeeerm... I don't think I ever have.

GP: Well it's up to you but I haven't got all day.

Me: OK, well I suppose so...erm.. thanks.

GP: OK, I'd like you to sit up on the bed and pull down your trousers and your pants to your knees and lift up your penis.

Me: You could at least buy me a drink first.

Nothing... not even a titter.

So after getting away this time without even the offer of any extra curricular ball juggling I drove off at high speed (in case he was following me) to my lovely gym/health club in Muswell Hill for this 'ear candling' thing. Basically a strange old Italian man who looked a bit like Tony Bennett shoved hollow burning candles into my ears, extinguished them then cut them open to reveal an unfeasible amount of "earwax" which had supposedly travelled out of my head and half way up the tube. If the stuff WAS ear wax then I'm not sure how I've heard anything for the last few years; if it WASN'T ear wax then old Lorenzo has done a runner with me £50 after doing nothing more than burning two candles shoved in my lug holes. And the old git didn't even sing happy birthday to me.

Had a meeting at the BBC today for possible future writing projects for when I return from Spain, bumped into Bruce McKinnon there who was in the first series of The CT Show. We caught up on gossip then he had to go to a casting and I had to whiz off to Millbank to the BBC studios to do this TV interview for local Yorkshire news programme'Look North'. It was all rather painless (and mercifuly short) and I can also assume the peice is on standby just incase they are totally strapped for news. Hopefully a chip shop in Beverley will run out of battered sausage and my interview will get bumped off the schedule never to be seen again.

Met my friend Fiona for a drink tonight, nothing blog worthy about that you may say except we hadn't seen each other for EIGHTEEN YEARS! We gossiped for hours and decided as she has some days off owed to her from work that she would come out to Benidorm for a couple of days where we can take up where we left off tonight. Fiona was a friend from High School and the star of the school Pantomime "Goldilocks and the Three Bears". Well, I say she was the star, I wrote and narrated the panto and Fiona played the title role (Goldilocks, not the three bears). Apparently there is a video of that show floating around in some dark corners of East Yorkshire, I must admit I'd rather drink bleach than watch it. I remember we did an "advert" for the show in an assembly one morning, we did a 5 min excerpt and it certainly worked, we sold out the next day and had to add an extra performance! I think that was the only time I actually enjoyed being at school; that and the chocolate crumble cake with pink custard.

I didn't go to the gym over the weekend and I actually missed it; can this be the start of Derren Litten the health freak? (As opposed to just 'freak'). I've lost over a stone since I started with my week of juice-only detox and have been going to the gym with Paul my trainer at least 3 times a week; not sure how I'm going to keep this up during my two months in Benidorm but I'll have a go. Was going to investigate the logistics of bringing Paul over to Benidorm to train me while I'm there then I suddenly remembered I'm not Elton John (although I imagine our waist sizes are not too different). Cut to Derren in a ginger wig pushing his matching Louis Vuitton luggage through Alicante airport screaming "rude, vile pigs!".

Have been asked to do a television interview for Yorkshire news programme 'Look North'. I remember years ago as a child I used to watch Look North, I guess the equivalent here down south is 'London Tonight'. I've never done a television interview before, I once did a radio interview and I was terrible; is this a wise thing to be doing I wonder. Being interviewed is a completely different thing to acting, I don't think I've ever been "myself" on TV; I'm much more comfortable being a character but I don't think me saying, "I've been living in London for 16 yrs and they're all dirty, evil, robbing bastards" will go down too well (even though of course we all know they are). Well it's a pre-recorded interview so if I am truly awful they can always decide not to use it or edit me down to something vaguely coherent.

Jindy and I went to see the new Oliver Stone film 'World Trade Center" this evening. It doesn't open until the end of the month in the UK but this was a special BAFTA screening with a question and answer session with Oliver Stone (the director/producer) after it. I'm not a film critic so I'm not going to put a review of the film here but I will say that I thought it was amazing. Even more amazing was that joining Oliver Stone for the Q&A was William Jimeno, one of the NY cops who survived the 220 storey building falling on top of him (astonishing as that sounds) and who is portrayed as one of the leading characters in the film. I was worried that the film was going to be heavily political but it isn't, it's just about two guys (and their families) and how they were affected by the attack on NY on 11th September 2001. Other news just in... Kevin Allen, diretor of my new TV series is in Spain scouting for talent; we (or rather just he at the moment as I am still in the UK) is looking for a female singer/comedian to play the part of the compere/karaoke host in the series. I love the fact that we are going to be using local talent for the show and am really excited about going out there in one weeks time. The fact that it now looks like we are going to be moving house at the end of October doesn't bear thinking about, I'm gonna be in bloody Spain! Oh well, they have these things called areoplanes and "time off", I'm sure it will all work out fine.

I see Ricky Gervais is once again having a go at comedy shows that use catchphrases, this time in The Daily Mail...

Office star Ricky Gervais mocks his Little Britain comedy rivals in his new series of Extras. He has a swipe at Matt Lucas and David Walliam's style of humour in the opening episode, featuring the actor Orlando Bloom. Gervais's character, Andy Millman, sells a sitcom to the BBC but producers force him to drop the script's social observation in favour of catchphrases repeated over and over again. A studio audience wearing T-shirts with the slogans 'I'm a lady' and Catherine Tate's 'Bovvered?' laugh uproariously Gervais said he wanted to have a dig at shows that relied on catchphrases. "People think it's maybe a shortcut - it's chasing ratings, trying to look for a hook," he said. "It's not what we do but we're not angry with people that do use catchphrases." And he has also hinted that he may have to move to Hollywoood to fulfill his acting ambitions because British drama is so bad.

I've never met Mr Gervais and of course he is entitled to his views. I will say that just as he is "not angry with people that do use catchphrases", I have no problem with actors who appear to be 'one trick ponies'; espcially when, as in this case, it happens to be an extremely good trick (and a very funny one too). It's been mostly a pleasure to see the character of David Brent time and time again in The Office, Extras, The Eleven O'Clock Show, Politics and Animals.

For more "hilarious" catch phrases repeated endlessly buy The Catherine Tate Show Scripts Book now from; click below for details. Oooooooooh, get me.

The countdown to Benidorm begins now! Tiger Aspect set up their production office in Benidorm today, Kevin Allen our director flies out on Wednesday and I go in 2 weeks! The scripts are in pretty good shape and our read through is on Monday 25th in Benidorm followed by a weeks rehearsal. I hear there are release dates for The Catherine Tate Show series 2, click on the ad below to pre order from Amazon! Apparently the series is being repeated on BBC3 at the moment; I'll have to check that but two people have told me that so far and I guess they can't both be wrong; seems odd to put it on BBC3 though as the show has never been there before. I drive past Clinton Cards in Muswell Hill every day and it's strange to see Catherine's face starring back at me from the window on a huge "Am I bovvered" poster. Catherine's just returned from Hungry and now goes to West Yorkshire to finish shooting this film she's doing; Budapest to Halifax now that really is going from the sublime to the ridiculous...

Lovely surprise today; got one of those framed dvd things to commemorate sales figures for The Catherine Tate Show today. Unfortunately there is no room on the walls in my office for it at the moment. Well, there is, there's a great space above my photocopier but the wall space above it seems to be made of kryptonite (or something extremely hard) so it will wait until we get into the new house (if we ever get it). I should hang it somewhere where you can't quite read what is says on the disc and I can pretend it's a cd and I'm a pop star like Puff Daddy or Piddley Diddley or whatever his name is this week. I'm going to try and take a pic of it and link it to this entry of the blog but as regular reader of this diary/blog will know, I aint exactly Bill Gates… well, here goes. CLICK HERE!

Oh bugger, it didn't work. Why on earth did I think I'd be able to do that? I practically live in a cave. Will get my mate Alan to do it for me at some point…. If at first you don't succeed, get someone brighter than you to do it.

Very little blog activity here this week (well, none as a matter of fact) but that is down to a rare activity of mine called hard work. It's been a tightly packed week of early morning gym sessions then castings and/or script editing in sunny Soho Square. Then after that it's been straight home, dinner, then three or four hours of writing up the editing in the office at home. Luckily I love early mornings and don't need too much sleep (five hours is enough for me) so this kind of schedule suits me down to the ground; strange boy aren't I? Driving home on this evening I got a great phone call from my producer, we had offered one of the regular characters to a big comedy name (I don't mean "Norris" or "Gaylord", I mean a very famous comedian/comedy actor) and we got him! The show fits into his schedule and he wants to do it! Now… here's the thing; I really have no idea if I can say who this person is right now. I also realise that only about 9 people read this blog so I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill but still I don't want to piss anybody off unduly (not like me…). Maybe a tiny clue-ette as to this person's identity…. Well, he - no, I'd better check on Monday to make sure he has actually signed the contract! Come back next week and I'll tell you then. (What's that old joke again, "how do you keep an idiot in suspense?…)